I had an epiphany about my personal heaven.

I would initially like to point out that creating a blog was not an original idea. In following my nature, I created this blog, which more than likely I will rarely use, to procrastinate and because reading Phil's blog made me nostalgic. I miss Phil. I miss my ranting online. I miss people reading the ranting, and ranting with me. My guess is that my friends stopped ranting with me on my various LJ and DJ accounts because I lacked the maturity that they found somewhat earlier than I did. I wallowed in self-pity, when I had no basis for doing so.

Further speculation leads me to the conclusion that I had some major self-confidence issues, that stemmed directly from my expectations being too high of both myself and others, especially teenage boys. Why would anyone want to read about it? I have to say, that the fact that my high school friends endured it for so many years, was miraculous. I'm sure they tried to slap some sense into me several times during our schooling life, to no avail.

Thus, this blog is more about making sure that my last testament online is not that of an immature 17 year old with bottom level self-esteem, that whinged and complained that her life was not up to standard because she didn't have a boyfriend/that haircut/that social group. Those journals I wrote failed to appreciate my friendships and I refuse to let that stand.

In retrospect, I regret making my life in high school about getting into the social hierachy and making sure I had a boy in my life who loved me (or convincing myself that he did). I was reading the book Twilight recently. After all the hype that's gone on about the series, I thought I might as well read it and see what the deal was. I enjoyed it, because I'm a hopeless romantic. In all honesty, the plot lines were horrendous, but I'm a sucker for love stories. That aside, the main character Bella frequently refers to Edward as her personal heaven. After reading Phil's blog, and remembering my high school years, I had an epiphany of what my personal heaven would be.

Spending year, after year, after year, going to school everyday and spending time with my friends, laughing at stupid jokes and ridiculous antics, would be my personal heaven. Rachel, Vini, Kirsten, Kathy, Nick and Phil are the people who will remain in my memory forever. And if there is a heaven, I would want to spend the rest of eternity, going from class to class, sitting with them at lunch and being bastards to the teachers. You might find that somewhat ridiculous, who on earth would want to go through high school again? But it's not so much about school. It's more about that connection I felt with them. I never had to be anyone but Sasha with them. I never had to prove myself, put out or wear my hair the right way for them to care about me. And I never wanted that from them. Our love was pure, simple and existed for the pleasure of it existing.

Of course time changed it, of course we grew apart, as people do. We moved, found partners, started jobs and studying. No doubt that space will only grow as our careers continue and our families grow.

But when life has run it's course for me, I'll be asking God if He wouldn't mind turning me back into my 17 year old self, constructing a Coleman Centre, a set of portracks, a coke machine and a tuckshop. That's where I'll be waiting.